Je ne compre pas!

I did not realize that I was multi-lingual. Yes, a good bit of French during high-school and college has gotten me to the point where I can read a menu and even have a Parisian cab driver exclaim that I do not have an accent... but I'm hardly fluent. And while I can string together four-letter words with the creativity of a pirate plundering gold, they are not typically recognized as a language other than my own native tongue.

However, it turns out that for the past nearly 13 years, I have been bilingual. Who knew? For instance, when I say "Go put your shoes on", that really means "continue sitting in the middle of your bedroom floor staring at the book you're reading. Because the way you do that makes me really happy!".

Or when I say "Get your jacket on, it's time to go to school!" It means "spring from the kitchen table and run upstairs do your hair one more time".

What else do I do other than speak two languages? I LIE! I lie like a RUG! When I say "go to bed", you know I'm lying - none of your friends go to bed at 8:30, and given that your favorite TV show comes on at 8:30, surely I'm lying.

And my day? I say "work" if you deem ask what I did? Of course that's a lie! I spent the whole day doing my nails with your polish (your favorite color, using the last of it), hiding your iPod, playing your brother's video games and eating the last of whatever it is you wanted when you got home. Washed down with the last Yoo-Hoo. In a can.

Oh, and the "never eat in the living room" thing? TOTAL BULLSHIT! Because chiseling goldfish crackers and long-spilled juice off the hardwood floors is just the way I choose to spend my day!

Other things: NOW! means "whenever", Go To BED! means "after this show is over" and "Dinner is ready, please come to the table" means after I get to the next level on Sonic Pac Man Brothers ChaseDown Speedway.

Next up: What you mean when you say....