About three weeks ago, I made the decision to quit taking anti-depressants. I've been on them off and on since after the birth of my oldest. Yeah, Clinton was in the White House (Don't judge!).
Following good advice fom my doctor, I decided to step down from a pretty healthy dosage to a smaller one, then a smaller to my last pill on Monday morning, November 17. The morning my mother died. Nice, huh? Thanks for that one, oh chemical gods....
I have an emergency stash of atta-girl (my bff name for Ativan), but so far, I'm doing okay. My mom's death has been the absolute hardest thing I have ever experienced - but somehow, I need to FEEL it. Somehow, it's natural (perhaps the most natural thing, you may argue...). But feeling it somehow feels right.
Since departing the Happy Pill station empty handed, and moving forward in this life as an orphan, seeing things happening in the world that are really, really troubling (who did Coco Crisp piss off to get traded to KC?) ... I'm feeling like a new person. A good person. One whos selective seratonin may not need to be inhibited from uptake. One who wants to feel things via a central line into my heart. Because while life is painful, joyful, borning and sometimes just plain messy.... I want to feel it all.
Friday, November 21, 2008
How Mella's getting her groove back
Posted by Muganoot Mommy at 3:25 AM
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3 comments:
What does 'borning' mean?
"I don't want to be crippled and cracked
Shoulders, wrists, knees and back
Ground to dust and ash
Crawling on all fours
When you've got to feel it in your bones
When you've got to feel it in your bones
Now I can't climb the stairs
Pieces missing everywhere
Prozac, painkillers
When you've got to feel it in your bones
When you've got to feel it in your bones
And I used to fly like peter pan
All the children flew when I touched their hands
When you've got to feel it in your bones
When you've got to feel it in your bones"
I am so impressed by your courage on this one. I'm not ready to face that thought yet, so for now, I continue better living through chemistry. You go, girl!!
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